I am… stuck. Well, 5 minutes ago, I felt stuck, but I think I made my final decision about this program I wasn’t sure of ever since my interview yesterday afternoon. This morning I got a call congratulating me on my acceptance, and my final decision? I am enrolling.
Whether to enroll or not wasn’t my only reason I felt “stuck.” I’ve been going through this phase, which I’m sure is very very common, where I don’t know where the hell I want to go in life and what the hell I have to do to eventually get to this nonexistent destination. So when I should be being productive in some sort of way to help myself getting to that nonexistent destination, I have been staying home watching Netflix and stress eating. While in-between the stress eating, I would search for research opportunities to do in replacement of the program and stalk LinkedIn profiles to see what my end result could look like if I go enroll in the program. 1. There are no research opportunities available related to my field that don’t require previous research experience (I’m just trying to start out here! Hello?!) and 2. Out of the 0830498523 LinkedIn profiles I stalked who have gone through this program, I only found one individual’s outcome I found attractive. I want to make good use of my time since this decision will affect whether or not I get to where I want to be in the future. Simply, I just feel conflicted. I am 22, and I feel the pressure of needing to be somewhere already making a salary to support myself and pay my parents back for sending me to college, and this program being pricey does not help at all – how much longer will my parents be able to financially support me?
It’s not just about time and money. It’s also how it’ll affect me personally. I don’t want to go into something that will make me miserable. I want to do something that I enjoy instead of going into something I would dread everyday feeling like I made the wrong decision.
In the middle of the day, what you see above was a minor mental breakdown of mine with my overwhelming thoughts.
Right now it’s 10:14PM and how I feel right now is completely different compared to how I felt five hours ago. Five hours ago, I felt stuck and pressured to enrolling in a program I had a feeling I would not be happy in. Now, I have completely put that program aside from my options, and I feel SO MUCH BETTER. Instead of getting ahead of myself and thinking about the future, I made a right now plan (- I definitely think I got this phrase from Grey’s Anatomy) – a plan I have for myself in the present in order to reach my short-term goal, which is to make it to deadlines for programs I can see myself happy in.
I often go through these “mini breakdowns,” but something I learned about myself is that I know what I want and what will make me happy, but I’m always afraid to risk it. I had to talk this whole thing out with my dad for me to realize that this was not what I really wanted, and I was inspired. My dad, who demanded that my academics have to be done quickly for me to succeed, inspired me that it’s okay to take my time, especially if something doesn’t sound right for me. This was one of the many times I am thankful to my dad.
There is so much more I could say about how I feel after today, but it is late; and when it is late my thoughts are disorganized and my words don’t make sense, so I will end it here.